beckerinstitute.com

Teens and Lying

I noticed an article in USA Today dealing with teens and lying.. The article looked at a survey conducted by Josephson Institute of Ethics , an organization that I respect and feel is needed, stated that 80% of high school kids lie to their parents in the last year about something significant.
The question was then raised as to if kids know the line between little lies and big ones that might get them in serious trouble.

It then when on to say that most kids lie because they do not to disappoint their parents. Other reasons are to protect their friends, to do things that others don’t want them to do, and to avoid consequences.

So were do kids learn how to lie?
Most of us would say media, the press, friends, school, peers, and society in general. To all this I would agree. Parents also teach their children to lie. Parents might not outright lie to a child outright, but will withhold information or not lie to others in front of a child.

And than their was the question of , do kids know the line between lies that get you in trouble and ones that do not. It is hard for adults to know where that line is.

So let me ask you a few questions.

If we don’t get caught did you step over the line?
If no one finds out did you step over the line?
If our lie hurts no one but ourselves did you step over the line?
If you don’t get punished / no consequences, did you step over the line?
If others did it are you stepping over the line?
If you don’t feel bad about it did you step over the line?

Interesting question for adults…………how can we expect kids to handle this

Parents not society needs to address this issue. We need to help our children learn were that line is and how not to step over it.

Because once you step over that line and you do it again and again , lying becomes addicting and hard to stop.

If you want to talk with me about some of my blogs or working together please email me at fbbecker@sbcglobal.net. You can also go to my web site at neckerinstitute.com

If you need help with parenting or life in general plase email me or call 760-434-7266 US number

Fred

The news and blogs are talking about the new book that was written on strict parenting. I guess I will have to add my comments.

Parenting is not an exact science.
Parents are not making a product like a watch or a bowling ball, where the produce has to be the same each time. They are raising kids and all kids are different. Think of it as growing fields of corn. Most of the corn will look alike but on closer inspection, each ear of corn is different.

Parents are trying to raise their children to be healthy, happy, and successful adults.
Some parents try harder than others, some parents don’t try at all.
Some parents are very controlling and run every aspect of their child’s life and some do nothing.
Some parents want perfection and some will settle for less.

So which one is best?
Well it all depends on the child, the parent, and the environment.

We can throw out the extremes, because we know that extreme parenting cause short and long term social and emotional problems for the child and parents.

Parenting styles vary, each with their successes and failures.
Some children will thrive in a parenting style and others fail.

As for the author of the strict parenting book, Well it seems that she is changing her tune a little and saying that this is the way she did it and made many mistakes. I also think that she is trying to sell a book and nothing sells more books than controversy.

I am not as concerned about parents styles as I am about children’s issues of entitlement, respect for adults and others, emotional control, responsibility, and self-reliance.

We are raising a culture of children who think they deserve everything and anything without earning it, Child who’s quest for instant gratification as has driven them to extremism and aggression. Children who want to be waited on and take little action to do things for themselves. Children who have had others run their lives to the point that they do not know how to do it themselves. Children who will not take “no” for an answer and will do anything to get what they want.
Children who have lost their sense of right and wrong, good or bad, taking and giving.

So what is the right parenting style. You can be strict or handoff just stay out of the extremes. Be parents who can provide the pro-social opportunities for their children to develop the social and emotional skills they will need to live healthy and successful lives. Parents, who change as their children change, provide opportunities for children to fail and learn, and to allow their children to learn how to solve the lessons of life by themselves.

If what you are doing now is not working it is time to change……beckerinstitue.com

Fred

A popular topic of today centers on the importance of positive energy and being positive in ones life. If you think positive and act positive then positive things will happen.

I believe that this is true. However, there is another way of looking at this. I hope this will help you to understand how to effectively control your life.

Our plant is composed of positive and negative energy. Nature provides a natural balance between these two energies that allows our universe to stay in balance.

Think of a flashlight and its battery. In order to have the flashlight work you have to put the battery in the flashlight properly so that the negative and positive ends allow the proper energy flow. If we put the battery in wrong then it does not work.
Life is the same way.

In order to have your life run smoothly you have to have the proper energy flow from negative to positive.

Our life is full of negatives, as the kids say: “Shit happens”. If we focus or dwell on the negatives then the energy mass has not flow and nothing works. In other words, nothing changes!

If something negative happens and we focus on positive energy, solving the problem, thinking about the positive things we can do, you will find that energy flows from negative to positive and change happens.

As a culture we spend much of our time focusing on the negatives of life and stop natures natural flow and change.

The natural flow of life is composed of both positive and negative energy. It is up to you to decide which energy you use to focus on to allow for change or no change.

Think about this: ”If you don’t change first, others can’t – f Becker

For all of you that have been following my blog, you will see that I have not be keeping it up.
I am sorry!
I have been unable to keep it going.

Many of you have made comments that I have not replied to, Sorry!

If any of you would like to contact me privately about a topic or have a question please email me at fbbecker@sbcglobal.net.

I will be starting up again with a break planned the end of January.

Thank you for your support and comments!

Fred

1. How do I forgive and forget the negative things in my past?

2. What do I do when others bring up the negative past?

Let’s do the easiest one first, number two.

Let’s say you come home late for dinner and say “ I tried to get home for dinner on time this week” another person says, “Do you call being late three times this week trying?”

Notice that they are bringing up past events to show you that you are not trying.

Why did they do that? Her are a number of reasons; to prove you wrong, place blame, guilt, shame, for power, because they are mad at you, because they want you to change, or it makes them the “good guy”.
The answer could be one or all of those reasons. Whatever the reason they cannot forget or forgive.

Here is where the fighting (discussion) starts with each of you bringing up other things from the past to support your side or attack theirs. This usually ends in frustration, anger, and discord for the rest of the day. Only to be repeated again.

The next time this happens, I want you to do something different.

When someone brings up the negative past, you say: “ I understand, I will solve the problem, it is all in the past”

As you are saying this, I want you to make a motion with your hand as if you are washing them (turning one hand in the other) and when you are finished hold your hands up, palms facing out.

Your words are implying:

1. “I understand”………………..….I hear what you are saying
2. “I will solve the problem”……….I will take care of it
3. “It is all in the past”………………please let it go

Your hands are matching your words. (Washing away of the things of the past and holding your hands up , as to say “stop”)

When done doing this, turn around and walk away.

Some of you do not think this will work. Try it out and let me know how it goes. Or you can keep doing what your doing now which is not working.

When you let go of things, you are giving others permission to let go!

Last week I was working with a married couple whom where always on each other for things that they had done or not done in the past. After an hour of discussion on other matters, I left the meeting telling them that I would not work with them until they learned how to forgive and forget.
If you do not learn how to forgive and forget, it is harder to move forward, be happy, or successful. Old stuff just keeps weighting us down as we carry it with us every place we go. When we want to change, it stops us, when we want closure it reopens the past. These weights are memories of things that have happened in the past. They are things we cannot or will not forget.
These results in three even bigger weights beginning carried, “guilt”, “shame”, “blame” and “fear”.

So why not get rid of these memories? Well the answer is simple; you think they have purpose, a functional use. For example, we remember things to help us not make the same mistakes twice, to force us to do things, or for sentimental value.
We also use memories over others for power, control, revenge, or guilt.

The thing we need to understand is the memories use in a negative way not only hurt others but also hurt us even more.

So, what memories should we let go of and how do we forgive and forget?

First, I want to thank all of you that have posted positive and encouraging responses to my blogs. Your words of support and statements of “thinking” and “change” are wonderful to hear.

To all of you that have been reading my blog I apologues for not posting anything new for a while.

To all of you who have respond to my blog with questions or comments I apologues for not accepting your comments or responding

And to all of you that have asked for help or discussion on a topic I am sorry that I have not responded.

I am getting my act together. I have been on the road lecturing and teaching for the past few months and have not keep up with my blogging. I chose not to use my cell phone for blogging when on the road.

If you need to talk with me, please email me at fbbecker@sbcglobal.net or call me at 760-845-1552

Most of us spend our lives working towards the dreams that we have planned for . Whether it is, houses we have always want to own, a million dollars, a comfortable retirement, or a successful business.

As well as we plan, has hard as we work, most of us find that our path to our dreams has taking many courses we did not expect. This is most evident with the state of our present economy, with jobs lost, retirements lost or put off, and houses lost.

So how do we know if we will be able to make our million, have a long healthy marriage, live a long life, or be able to pay off our house?

The one consent that will answer all questions, determine success or failure is TIME

Many have heard the expressions “stand the test of time, time heals all wounds,
Time changes what is important. You cannot buy time. Time is all we have. Time is a teacher. Time is a judge. Time is a healer. Time is a friend”.

Who can say where your life will go, where your day will go…..ONLY TIME

Time is the measurement of life – f Becker

Life is a journey, with unexpected twists and turns, time allows you to reach your dreams.

“Success is what you have at the end of the journey” – f Becker

Why do we do the things we do? Why is it so hard to change? Why do we think differently than others? Why do kids and adults struggle?

. It is all about PERCEPTION FOOTPRINTS.
Every person has a perception footprint. All footprints are different with no two alike.

All of our thoughts, opinions, actions, and skills are based on our perception footprint.

How do we get a perception footprint and what is in it? Your footprint is the accumulation of all that you have experienced since birth and even before. Every little thing that has happen to you or you have seen happen wither you remember it or not.

If you are only five years old, your perception footprint is very small and limited compared to a 20 year old. Think about how big a 70 years old footprint would be.

Why is this important? Our perception footprint limits our ability to change, to understand others, to communicate and to relate.

An example of this is childbirth. Women who have gone through childbirth know what it is like. Men think they understand child birth, but really do not. Another example is how people of different cultures feel and react in a strange land.

This does not mean that you have to experience everything in life to have full understanding and application.

What it does mean is that if you don’t “walk in my shoes” you will not see it as I do.

This is most evident in relationships between children and adults (parents). When a parent quizzes a five year old about being respectful and the five year old hasn’t a clue what the adult is talking about. Or an adult is trying to explain why they can not have cookies before dinner when all the nine year old is thinking about are the cookies.

Understanding others perception footprints helps to increase communication and change.

The next time you are struggling with another person, stop talking, and start asking simple questions, like “what would you do”, “What do you think the answer is”, “how do you see this”. Listen to their answers thinking about the limits of their perception footprint. You will then know what you need to do to help them to understand you..