beckerinstitute.com

Defining your integrity?

Integrity is how you see yourself and how you want others to see you. you can call these things values, ethics, morals, but they the things you want to be noted for.

Abraham Lincoln was know as an honest man. One part of his integrity was honesty!

Martin Luther King was known as a peaceful man!

Now I did not know either of these men but this is the way I see them.

So how do people see you? How do your kids see you?

Integrity will differ for each of us. Here are some basics traits that many people share.

Honest
Loyal
Kind
Thoughtful
Giving
Brave
Faithful
Polite
Helpful
Fighter / Determined (will not give up)
Clean
Consistent
Mature
Well Spoken
Soft Spoken
Religious / Reverent
Man /Women of their word

So what traits (actions) make up your integrity?

Here is a quick exercise:

1. Make a list of five traits that you think make up your Integrity
2. Find one of your closes friends , one fellow co-worker, and one casual acquaintance and ask them to list five traits that they see in you. (good or bad it does not matter)
3. If you are married or have kids, ask each of them the same question. (the child one is very important)

See how well your lists match up. Many times we see ourselves as having one type of integrity and others see something different.

If you don’t like their list them you have some work to do. Some of you may not like your own list.

Your integrity is defined by your actions, not words. – f Becker

Your children will form their own integrity by watching your actions. – f Becker

What are the five traits that define you?

Where has integrity gone to in this culture? For that matter, what is integrity?

Is integrity an action or is it an Attitude………..

Is it important for you to have integrity? It is important for our kids to have integrity.

Do our politicians have it? How about business CEO’s, teachers, law enforcement, movie stars, singers…….surely our religious leaders have integrity

If your answer to most of these questions is the same as me, then how are our children going to develop integrity?

More to come…..

To all of you that have replied to my blog I would like to Thank YOU for your positive thoughts and comments.

I started this blog to help others to THINK and Change

We get so busy doing things that we often lose track of what we really want in our lives. The things that make us happy, healthy, and successful.

I do not intend to make this site a running commentary or a sales site.
I will continue to feed foundationally sound thoughts and information. Keep your thoughts, ideas and comments coming……They make me think and change. They also allow me to know that I am on the effective.

I promised myself that I would not be a slave to social networking. More on this topic later…….

So if you don’t hear form me for a day or two keep watching……more is coming…

Sales pitch: If you need to contact me, want a workshop or want material , try my web site at beckerinstitute.com. You will also find my cell phone or email address there.

Fred

I need to let everyone know what I am trying to do with this blog.

My goal is to provide the pro-social opportunities for other to be happier, healthier, and more successful in their lives.

I do this by getting you to do one thing, and only one thing……..THINK
If I can get you to think about something then change happens!

I know I cannot not change you or what you do. I will not try.

But I do know if I can get you to think, and if you are ready for change good things will happen , on your terms, and in a manner that will fit your needs. Therefore, you will change and benefit from it.

I do not have all the answers; I am on a journey just like you and am learning and changing everyday.

But I have been blessed with the ability to present others with information that makes sense, is easy to use, and will result in a better life.

I have a particular calling for parents and adults who work with kids. As a society, we are doing a poor job of raising self –reliant and responsible kids. Today’s youth are more disrespectful, lazy, and self-centered than every before. They feel entitled to everything and have a decreasing work ethic. Our schools are failing because of our children’s work ethic, and a culture that does not hold them responsible. I can go on but I will stop……..

………………………………………….

In my journey, I have realized that parents (adults) need to get their act together so that they can help their kids.

This is why my trainings, workshops, and coaching work are done with adults. If they change the children will change……..

Whether you have kids or not we are all changing, we all want to be happy, healthy, and successful in our lives.

We all need to get back to the basics that we have lost. Common sense skills and beliefs that allowed us to have integrity, happiness, and satisfaction in who we are.

So with that said…please enjoy the comments and information on the blog. Please pass it on to others that you know……Be a giver…….

If you need help, have questions, drop me a email at fbbecker@sbcglobal.net.

Fred

Last week I was attending a large parenting conference at which I was presenting. I was sitting at my book-signing table and the conference coordinator approached me with a question concerning her teenage daughter’s inappropriate behavior.

I ask her the two following questions:

1. Do you think your daughter respects you as a parent and a person?

2. Do you think your daughter feels she is entitled to do what she wants without permission? (as long as it is not too crazy)

Her reply was yes to the first and no to the second.

As we continued to talk, her daughter, who was at the conference, came up to her, interrupted our conversation and said I need five dollars for food. (notice this is not a question, but rather a command)

Her mother said, “I will be with you in a minute”

I then watched in amassment as her daughter went into her purse sitting on the table, took out a twenty-dollar bill, and walked away say, “I will see you later”

I turned to the mother and asked her, “What would your daughter say, do, or think if you went into her purse with out asking permission?”
The mother looked at me with wide open eyes and said,” She would be upset that I invaded her privacy and felt a lack of respect and trust”

I asked her if she now wanted to change the answers to the questions I asked.

Her daughter did not respect her as a mother or a person and felt entitled to the money, and the right to go into her purse without asking permission.
How do I know this…..by the daughters action……

Some of you might think this is no big deal.
Trust and Respect are two corner stones of effective leadership…..that is what parenting is about.
If you don’t have respect or trust you will not be an effective leader or parent

As for entitlement……. This young lady believes she deserves what she wants and controls others because she can……..

Think about this story and what we are teaching our children…….

Remember repetition of small actions escalates into larger and more permanent actions

Fred

Rescue or Learn

In the last post, I asked you some questions to think about.
Here is my opinion.

Dad did what all dads’ do (mom’s to). He gave the boys a look that says (now look at what you have done, I am disappointed in you, now go sit down and think about what you have done when I clean up your mess).

However, the too young boys do not think that way. They know they did something wrong and that after a lecture or “the look”: Dad will fix it. Therefore, they just sit there and watch dad clean up their mess.
Does this sound familiar?

What did the children learn. If I make a mess, my parents will clean it up, make it better, help me, do it for me.

Sure, it is easier and faster to fix it yourself. Yes, things will be done the right way when you do them.

What are you doing to your children?

1. You are teaching them to rely on others to do to them and for them.
2. You are letting your children know that they do not have the capability to start or complete a task.
3. They are learning that they are “entitled” and that everyone needs to meet their needs.
4. They are learning that life is about taking and never being responsible
5. You are robbing your child from learning the principles of hard work, problem solving, and responsibility.

It is not just this one time event , but a process repeated over and over in homes, schools and communities that produce a child who is unmotivated, dependent on others, and low in self-worth.

So, what should have Dad done?
This should be easy.
More next time

I was in a tire store last week sitting in the waiting room when I observed the follow event:
A dad with his two young boys, six and four, where asking their dad if they could have some water. The dad looked at the bottle water dispenser and the stack of paper cups and told the boys, yes. The older boy got his water without incident while the younger boy had problems a few problems resulting in a quantity (three glasses) of water spilling on the floor.
Dad came to the rescue, quickly got the boy a glass of water, told him to go sit down and cleaned up the mess. The father was short with his son, and seemed a little aggravated.

When parents meet with me it is often to deal with a child that is causing them problems. It is not all their children but one child in particular. It could be an older or younger child, girl or boy.
In any family with two or more children parents will compare their children  looking for differences. When my daughter was born she was a screamer, a wild child and an adventurous teen. My son was a mellow baby, quite child and a mild teen. And that was only the tip of the iceberg in differences.
When adults notice these differences they begin to evaluate if this is good or bad. A child has few friend, is that good or bad?  Well the answer is neither. Will this hurt a child? No!  If you grew up having  a lot of friends you might see having few friends as bad or hurtful. But if you grew up with few friends you don’t see anything bad about it.
Parent read articles written by parenting experts that give them advise and  opions based on their lifetime experiences. Many times these experts are wrong, but we believe them because we want to. It fits what we want to hear.
So how does a bad child become bad?
Part of it concerns the disposition a child is born with. The other part concerns the signals adults send to kids telling them they are bad.
Take your family. You have one child that is more of a problem than the others. I know that all your children have their faults, but this one seems to be in trouble more often. This is your “bad child”. I know he or she is not really bad but comparatively speaking this is the one.
So what we tend to do ,unconsciously, is look more for the mistakes they make than for the successes. Why? Because the bad child needs more attention on fixing the negative. Parents become myopic toward the child sending negatives their way in record numbers. In time the child began to see themselves as  the bad child and moves forward to live up to their parents expectations.
I know parents don’t think they do that , but they do. If you do not believe me just ask you “bad child”. They will tell you that you are always on their back for one thing or another and they can’t do anything right or good enough.

if you have questions call  760-434-7266 or email fbbecker@sbcglobal.net

Fred
your parenting coach

KIDS AND PUNISHMENT

We live in a world where punishment is a means of making people pay and getting people to change. It is a law enforcement model with the key word being “force”. When did this trend start? Why do we have to have others punish us? Why don’t we punish ourselves? Is this effective with children? Has it changed our lives to the point were others control us and tell us what is good for us instead of us controlling our own lives? If it works so well why are the prisons so full?

When you work with you kids think about allowing them to experience what natural consequences feel like. I

f they don’t want to eat their dinner then take it away and do not let them eat anything until the next meal. 

If they don’t get their dirty clothes  in the laundrybasket let them wear dirty ones.

If they don’t do their school work then they don’t get to do anything else.

When working with your kids think in terms of consequences. “if  this happens then that happens”. Let the child know ahead of time  what will happen and then just follow through. The child will get it.

You will find that their is less drama, emotional outbreaks, and fewer repeats of negative actions.

The theory is that we tell our kids to do something and they say “OK” and do it. That is the theory.

In reality we tell our kids to do something and they say “why”, “do I have to”, “this isn’t fair”, “I will do it later”. or “NO”.

What happened. When my father told me to do something and I did it!!!!!

Well the answer is in the word “Tell.”  We don’t tell our kids to do anything. We “ASK” them. We ask their permission.

Lets think about this. I have a child who does not want to do anything and I ask him if he would like to do a task!!!!!! What response do you expect??

We give away our authority as parents and leaders when we ask our children to doing something. I am not aking you to be a power and control freak with your children , but I am asking you to set the tone (attitude) with your child that this is not a choice , it is something they will do. 

Still don’t believe me!!!!

The next time you say to your child. I need you to pick up you toys. OK!

See what happens…….your asking your child if it is OK with them to pick up the toys. I know that was not your intent , but hat is what came out.

Try this:

Say to the child: “Pick my your toys and put them where they belong” and walk away. If they start to say anything  besides “OK”, turn around and restate the command and walk away. See what happens

Do this for one week and let me know how it works. Don’t expect miracles, but you will see a change.

Want more check the web site at beckerinstitue.com or email me a t fbbecker@sbcglobal.net

PS: don’t worry about their self-esteem. It will be fine

Fred